Voldemort plans on World Domination
by TheFunkyDurian
Summary: What's this? Violently rape a cow? Ask wormtail for a foot massage? What is Voldemort writing about? And why did Hermione have a banana with her as she and Harry stormed out of their flat? Hmmmm.


A/N: Meant to amuse. period.

Co-written with _theghostchic.  
_

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The soil smelt of rusted iron and cow dung as it surrounded 3 people, making them completely clueless on what was going on in the outside world. With nothing but a fork, a cheap pen and tissue paper, the three have tried their best to dig deep enough to get past the grounds of Hawaii and into Scotland, where they can officially destroy Harry Potter and snag a few kitchen treats for their journey back.

The said 'hole' was merely 4 inches deep, and could only fit half of the arse of the stout man inside. It had all been Pettigrew's fault when he passed the 'Do not step on this part of ground' sign.

"Why does it smell like rotten eggs and tacos?" A blonde headed fellow asked, swishing his hair to the side.

"whoops."

"Wormtail, good god! That is just foul!" He replied, finding something else to smell besides from the wretched odor spreading across the small, claustrophobic space they had. Little did they know that their chief-of-useless-evilness, Voldemort, was sulking in one corner with a long roll of tissue paper and a cheap pen--writing what seems to be a to-do list.

_Puny muggles. You shall fear my wrath! _with much conviction, he started writing.

_Voldy's (that's me, you brainless idiot) things to do before he fully dominates the earth._

_30.) Menstruate._

_29.) Forcefully let Lucius dance to me to the tune of 'Im in Love With A Stripper'...you'll see why._

_28.) Speak French (That Flower Delacorse got me jealous...or is it Fleur Delacour? who cares.)_

_27.) Meet 'The Backstreet Boys' (I've been hiding this for so long now...wormtail's getting suspicious...i've been meaning to borrow Lucius' CD)_

_26.) Violently rape a cow._

"Master! Lucius is bullying me!" Wormtail cried. Lucius pouted at one side, seemingly not holding the fork anymore.

"Be a man, Wormtail! Be a-what in the--" The fork had been pierced at one of the cheeks of his--

"It hurts, master!" He cried.

"Shut up and be a man."

"I dont want to!"

"You disgust me." He retorted, turning back to his list. Lucius stuck his tongue out as he poked a crying Peter Pettigrew.

_25.) Sing in a karaoke bar. (I prefer Dancing Queen than I will Survive, thank you very much.)_

_24.) Kick someone in the balls. (They just boast cause they have one...and I dont.)_

_23.) Get into the girl's dorm of Hogwart...s and cough_rape_cough a certain bushy-haired young lady and...  
_

_22.) Wear mother's Gucci hat, I think it makes me look younger._

_21.) Walk into a store without someone beating me up with a fly swatter. (I HAVE BRUISES)_

_20.) Pee._

_19.) Eat "Berty Botts every flavored beans" Lucius made wormtail eat the "Horse Manure" flavor and I wanna taste it for myself as well, I, Lord Voldemort will not let myself be beaten by Horse Manure (it's the rarest of it's kind...)_

"Stop tickling me! Get away from me, Pettigrew! God, you smell like rotten sardines!"

_I heard giggles...I didnt want to ponder on them._

_18.) Have what they call... "boobs". I've seen all my minions follow Bellatrix because she has the so-called... "mammary glands" .I wonder, if I have them, I'd be able to control the world! They say it could do those things called 'Pistols'... I wonder how it feels like to lactate._

_17.) Eat my own boogers. You see, growing up in such a traumatizing way, I've missed the sweet childhood habits._

_16.) Stay in a strip club for at least 5 minutes without trying to pick up the cobra in lobby. She HAS been checking me out for quite some time..._

_15.) Wear a loincloth. And go to the "Flinstone's disco club"_

_14.) Go to McDonalds--you know, without them thinking im just some chicken to be fried._

_13.) Have wider nostrils._

_12.) Oh-right. Duh. Kill Harry Potter._

_11.) Ask wormtail for a foot massage--With out him nibbling on my toes._

_10.) Tell Lucius he's gay_

_9.)...and call him 'babe'-oh..no...that would make him a pig- Homeboy is better. Lucius is my homeboy._

Silence from the other two in the room got him thinking, but he proceeded.

_8.) Catch Dumbledore in the shower. Now we'll really see who's the REAL man, you old fart!_

_7.) Visit the grave of Cedric. I did have the hots for him...and that golden hair that just--(sigh)_

_6.) Violently rape a pencil._

_5.) Kidnap Hagrid and shave off all his hair--and I mean...ALL._

_4.)...Paste all that hair on my head and create a fake mustache...and paste it again on some other parts._

_3.) Meet my father's mother's daughter's cousin's brother's girlfriend's sister 'Fabio'. (Yes...sister.) _

_2.) Go up to wormtail, put my arms around his neck, cup his cheek, lean in closer and say.."I love...Lucius. And not you, dumbass". (I could just imagine the look of betrayal on wormtail's face...)_

The silence was getting thick...and finally, he heard someone speak.

"Deeper, wormtail--deeper!"

"I-im trying!" He heard him as he panted. Outraged, he searched where they were.

"Come on! He's coming! We dont want him disappointed! Deeper! FASTER! STRONGER! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!" He gasped at the sight before him.

"Hey! I worked hard on that hole, you idiots!"

"Wormtail!"

"Yes, master?" He could feel the tension.

"Listen...You see... I have felt some.. feelings for quite some time..." Wormtail smiled so big that Voldemort could see the toe. _How'd my toe get there? _Why...no wonder I felt incomplete--HE MUST'VE NIBBLED ON IT TOO MUCH!

"And... Shut up dumbass, Its for Lucius, what are you smiling about, fool" Whoops... scratch no. 2. Mysteriously, wormtail found the urge to shart.

"What the foop!" Lucius suddenly said. God, he is gay.

"..er…Fart and poop." He explained.

"What master? you're such a Ho-bag! You old geezer!"

"What did you call me? Thats it wormtail, go... wherever! DONT TOUCH LUCIUS or I swear to Lord Voldemort--hey, thats me, anyway-- and I will hex you to stay into a hamster ball forever!"

As he went back to his seat, He wrote his number one thing to do before he could conquer the world.

_1.) Fart. (I've always wondered how it felt like--just so happens that wormtail had'nt cut enough of his arm for me to have just one slit on my back side--)_

_Life was good to me...and seemingly, Wormtail wasnt so enthusiastic about that massage anymore._

_Damn him._

_XxXxXx _

**On the other side of town**

"Harry, this isnt right." Hermione exclaimed as she stared at the tv screen, revealing the happenings inside the small space-where 3 inhabitants remained.

"Sure it is! Just look at that list! If the _Prophet_ were to publish it..."

"Harry! It's HIS list...not ours!" Hermione said as she sat beside her boyfriend, who was munching on a bowl of popcorn.

"Exactly! It's Voldie's list! Look, it's my turn to have fun. He deserves it! Besides...I think he likes you." Hermione choked on her own saliva.

"Bloody arsehole! No way!" She blurted out. Harry laughed.

"I guess I have a competitor." He stated. Hermione started to turn red.

"I dont believe you."

"Oh, you dont? Check out number 23."

silence.

"Let's go."

"What?"

"Get off your lazy arse, Harry, and stand!"

"why?"

"He wants wider nostrills, im going to give him wider nostrills!" She exclaimed as she stormed out the flat.

"Merlin, I love you." Were the words that escaped Harry's lips as he chuckled and closed the door behind him.

XxXxXxXx

a/n:...er...tadaaaa! O-o I tried.


End file.
